Hi. I'm the person behind the YouTube channel, QDesjardin. Some of you may know me online as Queen Dairy, from the game Fortnite or my own personal website. Others may know me as EmpressDairy on games like Call of Duty: Warzone. On TV Tropes, I went by the handle "QQQQQ."

In real life, I'm 33-years old. I still live with my parents in Canada. I have what the doctors would call bipolar disorder, and I'm currently in what they would call a peak manic state.

This isn't much of an "getting to know me" video so much as it is an apology and also my insight.

First, the apology part. I want to say sorry for all who I've ended up hurting. Enclave Emily, Mauzah, and so many other people in my past who once opened their hearts fully to me, and trusted me, and I ended up pushing into their boundaries. It doesn't matter if it means willingly giving over $1,000 of my own dollars to rescue you out of debt, only for the money to be withdrawn at the behest of my family, when it turned out I was in a manic episode, or if I tried writing the narrative to kill someone's character in those Character Threads without their permission, because they were behaving in an obnoxious and disruptive manner, or in childhood, when I ended up hitting or throwing all those emotional tantrums, or running my mouth about other people and their business. From my perspective, no one else around would keep up with my enthusiasm, so to speak. From other people's perpective, I was a complete and total narcissistic jerk who basically smashed into pieces something that was theirs, with no self-awareness.

I know this apology has been a long time standing, and there's not a day that I didn't look back, ashamed of what I did to get people who I loved back to be angry at me, enough for them to never speak to me ever again or love me back, the way they once did. I didn't know fully what was actually happening. For the longest I thought there was something fundamentally wrong with me, and if I only poured out more love, kindness around me, that it would redeem my broken self. And I kept looking for the answer, why does it always feel like I eventually lose the people I love because of me? Like I had murdered them with my own two hands?

Today, after a long period of reflecting, as I stumbled through life, while connecting the dots and putting the pieces together about the human condition in solitude, I've found the insight why. And I hope this message goes out there, for anyone who knows what it is I'm talking about.

There's a very wise saying, that I've internalized: oh, would some power the Gods could ever give us, to be able to experience ourselves, as others experience us. I'd keep having to remind myself that I'm a good person, even though I've lived with the constant pain of knowing I'm going to eventually push the ones I love away, without knowing fully why. Until now. A lot of people look up to me as a hero on the outside, but this is how I've always felt every day since early childhood. And I'm not the only one who's lived with this.

There's a paradox about goodness that no one has ever fully understood. Goodness is like the feeling of love. You just feel it, rather than think it, and what you feel, you naturally want it to radiate out and express outward. And along the way, you encounter things like suffering. Seeing other people in pain, destitution. You only want to help them, to let them know what it's like to be loved, and know that everything will be alright. And at the same time, you wish you could be felt and heard over the pain you carry. Why won't the ones I love, fully love me back enough to heal the hidden pain I carry always? But they have, they always have - I was just too blinded by my pain to realise it.

When it comes to confronting suffering in the world, as a hero, you want to be the person to find the answer. You want to be the hero who slays the dragon responsible for the heartbreak you feel when you lose someone, to someone evil. When you see others in the same spot as you, you recognize that same pain in them. And you want to be the hero who will demolish the barriers which holds everyone captive in fear and anxiety. Like the Enrique song, "I can be your hero, baby!"

But when goodness comes to the point of trying to demolish that barrier, what you end up doing is violating the boundaries of others in service of perpetuating that goodness. They get mad, infuriated and you don't know why. You're blind to how they really feel about you. They pull away and stop talking to you. Before you know it, you're alone again. That's what really happened when, in the 2022 Oscars, Will Smith slapped Chris Rock in the face on the podium, not wanting his wife and her condition to be disrespected, and ended up in emotional tears, trying to take back what he did. This is the pain of the human condition, and you're left to believe if other people really got to know you, they'd be pushed away by you.

Unfortunately, this is not just a misunderstanding. There is evil in this world, and it's not what you may think. If you look around in the news headlines, and you see hate, division, madness - stupidity, moronic suicidal empathy. I have been in the presence of genuinely evil people at various points in my life, especially recently. It is like how Luke Skywalker describes that cave of horrors in Dagobah: "I feel cold.. Death."

Yoda: "In you must go."

Luke confronts an apprehension of Vader, who you'd fear, and strikes Vader down. And unexpectedly, Vader's mask explodes, revealing it to be none other than Luke's. Yoda had been testing Luke's ability to resist evil, which has polluted his father, Anakin turned Darth Vader. Luke loves his friends, enough to be a hero and stand up to the fearful, black visage against all odds. But as it turns out with that plot twist, Darth Vader is really his father, who all along had been summoning the Empire's mighty forces to look for his son, to help him overthrow the evil Emperor when Vader feels himself too powerless, and too beyond hope to do so: "It is too late for me, son."

In the Holy Bible, Adam and Eve are made perfect in the paradise, the garden of Eden. God is a good god. But they're not alone. The serpent of evil is also present in the garden, and tricks Eve into violating the boundaries of the everflowing tree of life: "Eat from the apple, and you too will have God's ability to radiate goodness and love from you."

God is angry, and Adam and Eve are exiled - left heartbroken, desolate, not knowing why the one who they loved back is so angry at them.