With this video, I make to help anyone who is facing the feeling of wanting to die, and not exist anymore. I'll be narrating this video from a detached point of view, and you'll see where I'm going with this.

Earlier tonight, I was reliving the pain of experiencing the contempt and humiliation from others, as you can witness for yourself on my recent YouTube community post, a few days ago. Although I wanted to confront what it was which made me so uncomfortable, it opened a scar up. No matter how hard I tried to push the pain away and focus on revising my Fortnite maps, it kept aching.

Soon, the pain ballooned, as I contemplated how many people whose friendship, whose respect I will never get back. I remembered the boy who cried himself alone to sleep in his bedroom, as his own parents were no refuge from the loneliness, and sense of helplessness. And if I ceased to exist, besides that my own family will fall apart from the lasting pain I will cause, the dreams I've held, and this love I've yearned for to be reciprocated - none of it will matter as I join that same nothingness where forgotten things go.

I had tried taking my own life in the summer of 2024, when I was under the influence of antipsychotics and COVID. Thankfully, I came to my senses, and called an ambulance on myself because something in my soul felt I was not meant to die like this, alone in my bedroom.

When you're facing a deep emotional pain, it's not a weight others can help carry for you, so much as it is a searing feeling your mind registers like trauma as you're weighed down by despondency, hopelessness. When you've experienced extreme cruelty, however much they justify it and no one is around to let you know that what you've gone through is NOT alright in the slightest.

An inner pain is not something you can directly communicate, or share. The moments when you've experienced neglect, normalized contempt, abandonment - it can happen so many years ago, and the accumulated invisible scars can still carry their toll. And to share all this with someone, no matter how well-meaning they want to be, will also invariably drag them down.

When you open up about depression, sadness.. the loss of your own life, these aren't light-hearted topics you can just open up to anyone to, and you will incur the toll of having them view you with a negative emotional lens, simply by virtue of experiencing you when your own starlight is failing. You can drive your own family down, as revealing your turmoil will set them on edge, and negativity has its way of being contageous.

There are therapists, but it is of fundamentally no use to talk out what's going on in your mind, as they try to "reason" you out of the pain you feel pervasively with their cognitive-behavioural therapy and the like. It's not the talking.. it's that warmth, the kindness of someone's presence which actually helps. A presence which has been sorely lacking, telling you: "I only want for your happiness.. and you've had so little of that."

There's a mind-spirit duality, which you will hear from the likes of Eckhart Tolle. To put it simply, you have a consciousness, the awareness which is in you particularly at this point in time, as opposed to say, Koseki Bijou's. This awareness is what lets you notice and experience all the things of your mind and body: when you're thinking of holding your phone. The taste of ice cream, wonton soup. Your thoughts, memories.. dreams.. everything which you're thinking and feeling right this moment.

It is from this very presence where you can feel the warmth in your body.. how good it feels to be held in someone's arms. When it gets cold and you find relief, huddled by the fire. It's from this presence which is the origin of that love you've wanted so much.

All of this is on a different, more fundamental and spiritual level than your mind, which is the one thinking and having all this heaviness, the buried emotions and pain. Eckhart Tolle said that it is the mind, which does things like conceptualize time, calculate, rationalize - which is also responsible for things like judgment, separation, division, or even abject hatred. Like when someone who is supposed to be your friend is now giving you shit, picking you apart like you are worthless.

The mind does not love, however much it may crave, yearn and desire, or produce things like language, music, artistry - and the biggest trap is trying to "solve" someone's existential aching as a matter of "We can figure this out, let's talk" when you know deep down how everyone has the right to shut you out of their hearts forever, like the hedgehog's dilemma.

When you have no one else to turn to.. it's your awareness, which you can feel.. like a spacious peace amidst all the noise, like the empty space in the room, or the shadows when it is night - who will sit with you and your incredible turmoil, and be the one who'll comfort you with kindness. So you'll never have to feel alone and unwanted, anymore.

Love yourself.. especially when others refuse you kindness. Because you are always worth it.