11

The joy Amarna had felt, it spread through her as a heart radiates the warmth of blissful acceptance, in showing Alex how to dance gracefully as her, in feeling enlivened over waking up and knowing Azad; a person in the world who she'd place her trust, her faith.

It was to be another beginning, as the dance troupe prepared for the upcoming circus in the Bohemia festival of 2017.

"Widen your stance," Amarna instructed Alex. She was hands-on, as she posed his shoulders to stand out more confidently. He was young, he was malleable and receptive to her suggestions, so it was only natural as Alex soon began twirling harmonously, in tandem with Amarna's feisty moves.

The poster for the Bohemia festival featured hot air balloons, over a wide open field of circus tents. It was to celebrate the free-spirited nature of living for the moment, when modern life can sap away a person's joi de vivre. Going out into the wild with so many other people was nothing new for Amarna, but the idea of having the troupe dance there as an opening act – it had energized her, gave her mind something good to focus on amidst the world's uncertainties.

Whenever she could, she'd catch Azad by his university, and it's delightful just to surprise him, finding him by one of the study tables or having League matches in the library, during one of their gaming nights. She'd bring him homemade caesar salad, and his friends at Uni would be like, "Whoa, you scored majorly!" with some wolf whistles. Azad blushed hard under their attention.

But really, her salads were some of the best. The spices she had added to the dressing gave it a sweet aftertaste. And though Azad's studies in film were on the occasion strenuous, he felt Amarna – her quiet support, uplifting his mood. Sadly, he wouldn't have the time to do the dancing, as much as he really wanted to join in the fun, but as a member of the troupe, he would always be a welcome, first-class guest to the festival. It would be fine.

On his off days, when he didn't have anything to do, Azad would skateboard to the church (it was Spring), and catch the troupe in dance, and he'd find Amarna in cohorts with Alex and a few others.

When she caught his gaze, she'd return it with a smile.

The other dude she was dancing with; a lanky guy, looking like a hippie with his dyed beard and faux-dreadlocks.. "His name's Matthew," Alex said. "He was from some American school of drama arts. He's very boorish."

Azad tried not to mind. Once though, he caught Matthew exchanging friendly whispers with Amarna, and he tried shaking it out of his thoughts how it was meant to charm her.. as he saw less of Amarna's visits in the weeks leading up to his first year's finals, and the air of gnawing disappointment each time he didn't feel her tender touch.

The leader, Tania, had tapped Azad on the shoulder, during one of the rehearsal breaks. She led him out of the gym, into the foyer where there were many tables – where usually, they held church groups on Mondays over living life under Jesus.

Here, she sat down with him. Alone at last.

"I see you still have the passion for dance," she went.

Azad thumbed his hands. "Yeah – I'm gonna be taking my finals soon.. wanted one more look.."

"At Amarna?"

It shouldn't had come as a surprise for Azad how everyone knew about his relationship with her. But all the same, it slapped him awake.

"I see you come every day, but nowadays you look hum-drum." Tania studied him. "You'll get your chance again with her – just circumstances that happen to put you apart. Don't fret. With distance, the heart knows no boundaries.."

"That guy, Matthew that she's with," Azad said. "I don't get time to be with her, and oh, I just know he's going to charm her pants off! Who am I though, to talk about another dance member like that? The more time I'm away from her.. oh, she's going to forget me."

He let out a hard sigh, and it seemed to fill the foyer momentarily with his frustration.

"If your love for each other is true," Tania went, "then in the end – you will be together, in happiness. Time always has a funny way of tearing apart what was never real."

She reached out, patting him by his hands. "You're young.. one of our youngest," Tania said. "You're still in the midst of growing up, doing your studies – and that is respectable. I'm holding my hopes out that you'll graduate, and serve as our cameraman. And Amarna; she is feisty, but she also has her heart's sincerity. And when you reach the end of the rainbow.. you'll find her again."

Behind Tania, there was the courtyard, and the leaves, growing like vines upon the saintly statues, wavered under the spring's breeze. Azad had little reservations about her words.

It was after rehearsals. Amarna waited for Alex outside, while he was in the washroom. She sat with her black, widened hat, perched upon her head, upon the stairs leading towards the lot – and the alleyways beyond, with her gaze attentively on her phone. She glanced over the photos taken of herself in dance, and it truly looked as if she belonged – they were in a way, the beatniks of the 1960s, fearless in transcending social boundaries.

Such a shame that her photos had to be kept hidden from the internet. But one day. The thought of that one day sent butterflies out of her heart.

Someone had tapped her on the head. Amarna looked up, half-expecting it to be Alex, but it was Matthew instead, in all his scruffy charm.

"Ayy, I thought we could go for a walk somewhere," he went. "If you aren't too busy, of course. 'Tis a nice evening."

Amarna gazed out at the scenery. She had the faintest reminder of when she'd first met Azad; it was not unlike that same evening. Except back then, she didn't know anything – especially of her own future, except that Azad was kind. And now, Matthew. A guy who she felt the duty of welcoming into the troupe.

"Sorry, not this time," she said, almost remorseful. "Maybe over some bubble tea tomorrow?"

"For sure." Matthew shot her a knowing wink, as he departed, leaving in his own, busted-up car.

Alex waltzed out the doors, with his face still immersed in the world of his Nintendo Switch – playing Don't Starve.

"Alex," Amarna went, "you need to pay more attention to the world around you! It took you so long, I was beginning to worry..!" I could have said yes to Matthew! He's a charmer!

"Sorry, jeez."

Amarna took him back home, riding in her van. On the way, she stopped by the no-frills grocery store for some fresh onions in her recipe, and some of the guys there were more than friendly to her, asking her whether she'd shine in the next dance number. Inwardly, she smiled – Amarna.. the dancer! Using her body in the service of aesthetic strength.

In this upcoming dance routine, themed around sacrilege, she would play a lioness knight, fiercely guarding her pride. Some of the moves needed her to perform martial arts with a quarterstaff, so it was like choreographing a fight – they improvised with plastic broomsticks, but she still kept getting a few bruises from Matthew's forthright gestures.

Still, when Amarna looked at herself in the mirror, her body in the nude, she realised how toned she was becoming, as her abdomen, her legs had muscle definition. In her everyday business, she found she had more energy to carry out things – she really was like a lioness, and proud of it.

As Alex did some studies online, she was always there, a matron, giving him advice on how to solve questions – especially when it came down to business and finances. She had a knack for keeping tabs on money, and even showed him tricks on finding the best deal (basically, avoid getting scammed, and leveraging Google into listing the cheapest, most reputable sources for something). He used it to get a gaming laptop.

Then one day.. she took Matthew up on his offer for bubble tea. The same place where she bumped into Azad, and a girl waitress would take your order in a way that made you almost taste the tea's sweetness – Azad.. Azad! A pang of guilt shot through her, while Matthew's gaze soaked her being in his mind's eye. She hadn't really thought of Azad, let alone mustered the time to hang with him. She momentarily thought of shooting him a message, promising to meet up at his university after one of his exams is over, but given that Matthew was here, the gesture felt inappropriate. Besides – he didn't need to be distracted..

So she let the thought go, and instead, she ordered melon tea, with Matthew getting the same thing. And in their conversation, she opened up like an unfurling rose, laughing, giggling as her cheeks blushed over Matthew's quirks and side stories he had while getting ass-stoned.

He led her to his car, where inside, he opened the glove compartment, revealing his personal, handmade joints, and other memorabilia – Amarna, with her recollections of forgetting her worries into that bodily gestalt (of pleasure, joy and tranquility), decided to indulge herself.. with Matthew.

The pungent smell of ruderalis, verging on an earthy sourness, it was an old friend she was greeting after a long time apart, as she breathed it in deeply, letting it whirl in her lungs, and she exhaled out the smoke – her vision fisheyed, and the passenger seat was a cloud she sank into. Sipping the last of her melon tea sent sparkles through her tongue, and the sweet flavour whelmed her as she leaned in to share that sweetness with Matthew, in a kiss which resounded deeply between the two.

She drew her face away, and opening her eyes, she found him wonderful, so she dove in once more.. even deeper. It just felt so good..

(living is a selfish act)

In a Silver III match, Alex showed no mercy as he decimated the enemy Rengar as Maokai. He had no mouse yet to speak of, so he had to improvise playing with the touchpad – but it was so easy. The reworked Maokai was able to absorb Rengar's early trades thanks to his new passive.

It was top lane, and bizarre as it seemed, many champions you could jungle with also viable on top, and Alex's tactic was to transition into counter-jungling and ganking as soon as he got the dominance.

This proved to be far easier, as the enemy Rengar proved so tiltable – openly flaming Alex for his choice of bullshit tank rework, along with a lot of n-bombs complaining about the lack of a jungler. (It was EU West servers, after all.)

So Alex had the idea of bringing his Sejuani teammate up into the brush, as a little joke while he went off to gank mid.

WARLORD SexGod [Rengar]: fuickin shit I'mma fist yall so hard ur balls will come out your mouths-

In the library, with a few players who relieved the stress from finals by gaming - Azad was fuming. He was about to fling his keyboard through the monitor; this new patch was so bullshit, Riot Idiot Games can go fuck themselves! League was supposed to be his escape, from thinking about Amarna, from the torturous written exams, from missing out on the dance troupe's next act.

And anyways, what kind of player would happily abuse Maokai, the first chance he got?

After being raped in the ass by Sejuani once more, Azad alt-tabbed out of the game and, looking at his League friends list – there was Kevin who was playing Maokai - he typed in that one Maokai's name: "Matrexneitor."

"Come on.. add me," he mumbled, his eyes burning a hole into the pixels which comprised the shitty League client. "ADD ME, you prick!"

He felt like he was going to totally unload onto that dude. A little while later, the match was over, resulting in a surrendered loss, and lo and behold, petit "Matrexneitor" showed up.

- 'sup, was the first message received.

Out of all Azad's luck, he couldn't believe the dude would consider talking with him. For a second, he asked himself if it was worth spending what little luck he had, just to tell the dude off about abusing the flavour of the month.

- yo is this Azad?

- who dis

- It's me Alex! you were so pissed, seemed like you were going to shit your pants from retard rage, but thanks for the free win

Alex! Amarna's new best friend who was living with her! Azad's rage simmered into a heartstopping curiosity. What was going on with Amarna? He hadn't really talked with Alex, except maybe once while watching her try jousting that hippie dude. Would Alex divulge what was going on in Amarna's life? It was doubtful.. maybe Amarna had even told him not to say a word about her-

It was Azad's paranoia in action. He was stepping over the crevasse, knowing that the fall would break his face into splinters, but wanting to see what was beyond that fog – a curtain that tortured Azad with its uncertainty, an unignorable dripping onto his heart.

So, with baited fingers.. he typed out:

- how's the dance thing going? seems like you got all your shit together

A beat.

- yeah we got the movements down. now we getting outfits fitted and makeup too. I'm the absinthe fairy. I spark the knight's fancy so he tames amarna

- cool

Azad needed more info. He typed:

- hows Amarna been these days? was busy with finals and all

- oh she's been smoking weed. think matthew got her started on getting high

Matthew, that hippie? Was Amarna going out with that dude, while he had to slave over the first year of studies? A different sort of rage swelled in Azad now. The total unfairness.

No, no. It's likely not that. They're just being friends. Amarna's got a life outside being with me.. other guys would gladly leap over being with her. Like I did.

- she still thinks of you m8, if you worried. wants you to ace your exams with flying colours, there's a venue this weekend at Skyline once youre done.

With Alex's words, he breathed in relief. Though he wondered why Amarna didn't just tell that herself. Azad glanced at the computer's clock, realising it was 8pm, and he didn't even had dinner yet. How didn't he realise how hungry he was? So he closed the League client without warning, logged off – he strode to the cafeteria, where they had remnants of beef pie, served in celebration of those who made it through the first year.

The pie was still steaming warm, and he took five slices on his plate, and wolfed down on the fulfilling contents. It was so good. Whoever baked these needed to be his chef. But as he ate, he felt Amarna, surfacing from his memory – if it was her pie, she would be intent on seeing how he reacted, whether she needed more seasoning, or if the pie was too fluffy.

If it was her pie.. she'd sit beside him, and laugh over how some of the sauce stuck to his nose. Oh, he had to tell her about how good this pie was, she could bake some, for the two of them..

He ate alone. He wondered if he could enter in a documentary of his dance troupe for his finals project. Then, a voice.. surprised him out of his stupor.

"Mmm mm, that looks tasty!" It was Rieke, beside with a guy with a finely-chiseled face. She leaned over Azad's shoulders, adoring the half-finished plate, before giving him a friendly hug from behind. "My boyfriend, Edwin."

"How ya doing." He shook Azad's hand. "Rieke told me about you, you're a dancer? You gonna do ballet someday for us? We'll definitely watch!"

"Yeh, someday." Azad gave a delighted wink - his heart sunk all the while, but he stood up and did a curtsy, like how it was on that stage, making Rieke and Edwin swoon.

"Can you get me a soda?" Rieke went, sending off her boyfriend in search of the vending machines.

When the two were alone, she sat down beside Azad. She carried that same bubble-tea scent around her, and Azad still ate – thinking she was texting on her phone, but instead, when he looked up, she was looking upon him, wistful. Her eyes were soft.. carrying almost a pensive melancholy, but still you saw in her a youthful hope.

"You looked sad.." she said. "Not like how you always were in the shop."

"I do?" It surprised Azad. He found it awkward, showing his pain in front of other people. "Yeah, I don't.. it's finals and everything, man. The usual. But soon, it'll be over."

"What about Amarna?"

"She's.. I haven't really had the time for her, sadly. I guess it's part of committing to school, you know, time management."

"Azad – that's silly!" Rieke exclaimed. "Sacrificing a nice girl over your academic future! Your grades.. I never thought of you as a straight-A student, and now you're talking about her like she's a distraction! You two, oh, you were soo happy together.. please don't leave her behind. You'll regret it, later on."

"I wish it were that simple.." But a part of Azad mulled over her words, and then he relented: "Yeah, cause I'll just burn-out if it's all about working, right?"

"Not only that.. what's real isn't just what you have to do, here and now – it's your heart, Azad. What you feel. What you dream of, in the spaces life gives you to breathe. And right now.."

Rieke went, and she touched a hand over Azad's chest. "It's her love, that you deeply yearn for," she whispered, as he began trembling – his soul vulnerable and open. "Go to her, Azad. I'll cheer you on."

Then Edwin came around, carrying a can of cherry soda. "Sorry Rieke! That damn machine sucked my money in and spat it back out. Had to rush away for another vendor."

"Azad.. I've got a recording session to do, so I'll catch you later," she went, as she got up with Edwin. "May you pass your finals with flying colours!" She imitated Azad's curtsy as a cute gesture, and for him, he felt like weathering though those dark clouds..

It was the last of Azad's written finals. Some of it was multiple choice, like which directors had pushed the French New Wave. He was able to answer with ease – it was uncanny, associating the dates, the names with the moods he had felt about in watching the films.

The clock ticked, there were many rustling papers as the film professors patrolled the desks, but Azad handed his sheets over – the sun had shone through the blinds, and he wasn't about to linger any longer in this room.. in first year.

He waited for Kevin, who had by then also finished his exams (for electrical engineering). And when Kevin was done, there was Kevin's car in the parking lot, where they expressed sighs and joy that it was past, and the entire summer lay ahead for them, ripe for conquest.

"Shall we have some royale with cheese?" Kevin nudged, as he was behind the driver's wheel, while Azad checked his phone – looking over 8chan memes, trying not to glance at Amarna's instagram (he felt like doing that showed signs of clinginess).

"Hells yeah, I'll have anything dude!"

And by the McDonalds drive-through, Kevin was ordering. Then he heard an awkward pause, as he heard the employee having a brief argument with his manager. They both spoke in rapid Arabic, which Azad made little headway in understanding, before the employee went, "Yes sir, your triple cheeseburgers are coming up."

By the drive-through window, the employee had the order, ready in a bag, and Azad saw how he looked savage, as if he had been plucked from ISIS jihadis. He was about ready to throw in a line, about the 72 virgins promised in heaven, before something had Azad freeze.

Behind the employee, there was the manager, who looked like Mohammed. It was just a glimpse, and Azad wondered if his eyes had played a trick, before Kevin drove by, with the cheeseburgers still fresh.

It wasn't like Azad could bring up Mohammed in conversation – Kevin didn't know anything about that. Azad munched down the burger, with the cheese and pickles adding in that sour-sweet tang.

"Let's stop by Amarna's," Azad said.

"Amarna? You said it was just gonna be us two, hanging out! Bros before hos, Azad!"

"Just do it Kevin! I just wanna deliver her the good news in person.."

"Where's she live again?"

Azad put in the address in his phone's map app, and Siri went yabbering on directions while Kevin would on occasion hastily switch lanes at the last second. But finally, they arrived by Amarna's home – where Azad got the same vibes that he felt last year's summer, where the trees had grown, and the sun shone through in tatters.

He could see Amarna's partyvan by the garage, it looked slightly musty, and also another car that was beat-up.

"I'll just sit here," Kevin said, as he got a royale with cheese in his hands.

Azad strode past the gate, to the front door, and he rung the door. He didn't know for certain if she'd really answer, or if it was going to be Alex, or nobody – but he was willing to take the chance.

He waited for what seemed like an eternity, as the birds chirped, and he heard some kids playing out in the distance, but soon, by the door, there was Amarna. She carried a musky smell that was recognisably weed.

"Azad? My, I'm sorry, I was-"

"Ja, my finals are all done!" Azad went, grinning. "Mind if I come in?"

"Sure.. I was just relaxing by my TV."

He took his shoes off, and her home looked a bit messy. There were a few Heineken beer bottles on the table, but when he came to her living room – on the couch, there was Matthew, who was slouched over, while on the table, there was an ashtray with raw, clumped-up marijuana.

"Hey, Azad—" Amarna went, before she caught Azad in a frozen standoff with that stranger – an invader in this sacred space. ".. oh."